Dandelions and Daydreams

Is it possible to be too unselfish in marriage?

Generally speaking, human beings are much more likely to be self-absorbed to a fault, I also think that marriage is a careful balance between being unselfish enough to meet the other persons needs and selfish enough to express your own needs.

With all the changes going on around pregnancy, Brenton and I were both trying to be unselfish and generous but we never actually talked about our own needs and wants. The result was unsatisfying for both of us.

The key to avoiding this trip up is constant communication.

If we had taken just a moment to talk about our relationship, we could have avoided several months of frustration.  Satan likes nothing better than to drive a wedge in the communication between two married people.  While Brenton and I both had the very best intentions towards one another, the frustration that resulted could have easily resulted in withdrawing from one another and allowing the gap to widen and the frustration to grow.  When we talked for just a few minutes, the gap was narrow and the bridge was remarkably easy to cross.

Assumptions are the wedge that drives a relationship apart.

I have always been told that I should never assume anything, but after being around Brenton for 7 years (married 4), I thought I knew how this stuff worked.  Perhaps 70 years wouldn’t be long enough for me to understand what makes him tick.  Perhaps I should never assume anything.

I’ve always thought that Friday is a day worth celebrating. When I was little, my mom would make pizza and we would eat off the good china. She would split a small soda between the 5 of us, and we would ring in the weekend. Ever since then, I have always had a subconscious knowledge that Friday should be celebrated.

When Brenton and I got married, we were both still in college. Life was crazy, and time was in short supply. There were weeks that I only saw him for a few hours a day (usually while he was sleeping). You can imagine the stress that put on a young bride (and groom).

During that insanely busy time, we wrote “Friday Night is Date Night” down in stone. During that first year, I would hold on just for Friday night date night. I would barely see him all week, but I knew that if I could just make it until Friday night, I would have his undivided attention.

A few years have passed since then. We have both graduated from college. Brenton has a job that doesn’t follow him home. We actually see each other in the evenings and spend time together. Even though our lives have changed, Friday night is still date night.

With our lives changing, our date nights have changed too. In college, sometimes we would just eat dinner together and then fall asleep. Now we like to play games together, or go walking under the stars. Last summer we went out to the city park and watched a meteor shower. I expect that date night will continue to change as our lives continue to change. No matter how busy our lives get, we have to set aside time for our marriage and our relationship.

Friday night date nights started out as a necessary survival tactic. I guess in a way they still are a survival tactic. With divorce occurring at a startling rate, those of us who are married must be proactive about fighting for our marriages. There are so many forces trying to pull our marriage apart. If we don’t fight for it, who will?

Tonight is date night and the husband is on his way home for lunch. I might try and talk him into a Wendy’s spicy chicken sandwich date

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photo by skycaptaintwo, CC-By

Sometimes I think that life is too good to be true. I reach a monumental occasion and I think, “Whoa, I’m here!”

I woke up on the morning of my wedding and I thought, “Days like today should be stopped for reflection, but the moments keep flying at you faster and faster until you realise there is no time for reflection.” Before you know it, the moment has passed. Suddenly, I have found myself to be married to my best friend.

The wedding was perfect. God blessed us with a beautiful day. The weather was cool and the air was clear. The sun was shining and my groom could not stop smiling. I had my very own fairy tale wedding. We were standing under the trees, a little creek bubbled over rocks behind us. My dad gave me away to my best friend. We pledged our lives together “for better or for worse til death do us part.” We were presented to our friends and family as Brenton and Sunny Ellis. We were both beaming. How could I stop smiling? I had just married my best friend.

We cut the cake, hugged our friends, and ran out in a shower of birdseed. My cheek muscles were aching from so much smiling, but I have so much joy inside of me that I cannot contain it all. As the sun set, we climbed in Brenton’s truck. The back window had “Just Marred” written in squirty whipped cream. The front said “Get R’ Done”–Thanks Ian.

Trying to avoid all the pedestrians, we peeled out of the park and started our life together.

“Damn the torpedos! Full speed ahead”